


Vivid Dreams

by daalny



Series: Vices [2]
Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-07
Updated: 2012-05-24
Packaged: 2017-11-05 00:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/399828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daalny/pseuds/daalny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>May cause in some individuals...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nicotine

**Author's Note:**

> No infringement on any level is intended.

James still moved a bit gingerly from his rib injury. When Jeremy had helped him dress he had seen the bruising on his chest and winced in sympathy. James saw and stated, “looks worse than is I mean it is bad but if I had broken one of the floating ribs would have been worse.”

“Floating ribs?” Jeremy asked.

James extended his hand and glided it down Jeremy’s side to the lower part of his chest, “These ones” he said pushing gently, “they’re only attached to your spine not your ribcage.”

“Ah” Jeremy said in understanding.

The morning light had chased away the caffeine demon that had been haunting Jeremy but he still feared the night. The box of twinnings was still on James’ shelf but it seemed less menacing in the daytime. James drove Jeremy to his flat so he could change clothes. “I’ll follow you” James had said.

“Make sure I don’t go to a drive thru” Jeremy asked in all seriousness.

“No because I can’t remember the exit.” James replied.

Jeremy laughed and the two traveled to Dunsfold. A week passed and Jeremy felt that caffeine was no longer a driving force. Next he decided to conquer smoking, after the pain of cold turkey withdrawal from caffeine he decided on some aids. He stopped at Boots and bought some nicotine patches. 

He showed them to James in the green room. “Can you put it on my back for me?” 

“Not your arm?” James asked.

“No, it will drive me mad and I’ll pick at it. If it’s on my back I think I’ll remember what it’s for.” Jeremy delivered.

James nodded in understanding and twirled his finger for Jeremy to turn around. Jeremy undid a few buttons to his shirt allowing James to pull it down. James ran his fingertips over Jeremy’s upper shoulders and back trying to pick a good place. Jeremy involuntary shivered, “Sorry” James whispered. With the place picked, James removed the clear film and applied the patch.

Andy was cracking the whip today and it helped Jeremy maintain focus. During a break James brought him a cup of tea, which Jeremy looked at, quickly before James said, “De-caff, I brought in some tea bags for you.”

Jeremy hid his blush but taking a sip of tea.

The next morning Jeremy seemed happier than he had in months. James commented on the fact while they were grabbing mugs for tea. “You look better.”

“I think for the first time I can do this…you know quit smoking.”

 _Then you can show Francie_ James thought

“Patch helping then.” Asked James.

“Yeah, it seems to give me time to say no to a fag which I have never been able to do.”

James internally cheered for his friend it was about time he had some pleasantness. Unfortunately with all good things…

James was having a dream that Dodger was banging his food dish on the kitchen floor. When he woke up he still heard banging but realized it was coming from his front door. He went downstairs and opened it Jeremy was on his doorstep looking fearful.

James saw the expression, “What’s happened? What’s the matter?”

Jeremy swallowed, “James, you’re all right?”

Confused James nodded his head, “Yes I’m all right.” He then opened the door wider to let the man on his doorstep in.

“I dreamt that you had an accident and when I woke up it was still so real, it felt real, I had to check make sure you’re all right.” Rambled Jeremy.

James looked at his friend and he was wild eyed, “must have been some dream.”

Running a hand through his short hair Jeremy sighed, “Yeah lately my dreams have been life-like, I can remember so much and now I’m having these cracking nightmares.”

Realization flared in James, “It’s the patch, one of the side-effects of the nicotine patch is vivid dreams.”

Jeremy sat down on James’ sofa and uttered a groan, “I can’t do this.”

James sat next to him, “Yes you can.”

Jeremy forehead was in his hand, “You’re smart James, I’ve seen you take apart an engine and fix it. Fix me.”

The last time James had seen Jeremy this distraught was over his caffeine withdrawal. Touching his forearm James whispered, “lets get some sleep.”

They trudged upstairs and Jeremy moved the guest bedroom only to have James hiss, “Not there, I won’t be able to hear you if you have a bad dream.”

Jeremy followed James into his bedroom and shed the trench coat he had thrown over his pajamas. At this James saw that the taller man was barefoot, he must have fled his house in quite a hurry. Getting into the bed Jeremy noted it was warm from James’ body. He snared a pillow and got comfortable. James got in as well and turned away from Jeremy facing the wall, in the dim light he said, “I’ll know if you get if up and I’ll wake you if needed.”

The warmth, the voice and the promise had Jeremy falling asleep.


	2. Lower dose

Jeremy had no outbursts in the night which both men were grateful for. Jeremy woke but early and orientated himself rather quickly, since it was close to dawn he decided to go back to his flat for clothes. In the hangar the incident was not mentioned. Jeremy felt embarrassed over his emotional display and was determined not to wind up in James’ bed again. That night in his flat he slapped on another nicotine patch. It had been nearly a week since he had lit up, he found that he couldn’t throw away his lighter. He kept it in his bedside table as a reminder. When the stirrings of sleep called he went to bed. 

_Corner, corner, flat out. The track was so engrained in him he honestly believed he could do it with his eyes closed. He tried it and found he could feel the corners. This was amazing! Wanting to see if his internal sat nav was correct he opened his eyes and saw the precipice approaching. He stomped on the brake and nothing happened. He screamed._

Jeremy’s eyes snapped open, his new sheets were soaked with sweat. He swung back the covers in disgust. He rinsed off in the shower and found himself working on his column at three in the morning. His nights like this continued, James noticed and asked, “How is everything?”

“Had a corker of a dream last night but I’ll be stepping down to the next phase so hopefully the dreams will dissipate. Get this I was driving with my eyes closed…

James chuckled and gasped in the appropriate place for the retelling of Jeremy’s dream. He went to draw breath to say something but then shut his mouth. Jeremy would come to him if he needed help.

Another week, another dream. 

_Francie was with him in a car. She was driving and Jeremy was the reluctant passenger, she maneuvered the car with effortless precision not batting an eye or tensing a muscle. At first Jeremy was relaxed in the car the track was empty then things popped up. A bed of flowers sprung up and Francie mowed them down. Jeremy laughed because it was funny. Lap after lap she mowed down the flowers and after awhile it upset Jeremy._

While it wasn’t a nightmare Jeremy woke nonetheless he got himself a glass of a water and managed to get back to sleep. In the morning he had forgotten about it.

Jeremy and James had taken to taking their breaks outside the productions office since there was a smoking ban in place around the perimeter. Jeremy told him that his dreams had gotten “lighter”, he didn’t mention Francie or the flowers but he had confided in him that he would be meeting with Francie in a few days to talk. While Jeremy was jubilant James felt the tugs of sadness, which he quickly buried.

Arriving home early allowed James to take Dodger for an overdue walk. As he walked he thought about his ambivalence towards Jeremy in regards to Francie. He thought that Jeremy was making tremendous progress in the changes he was undertaking. At his age to cut out the stimulants that had gotten through a good many decades was a humbling thing to do. However, in his mind he didn’t think that these changes would win Jeremy back his wife and he wanted his friend to be spared the pain.

Jeremy and Francie met in a restaurant. They talked over dinner, “You’re looking well” she said with praise. 

Jeremy beamed under her praise, “I gave up caffeine after Russia and it’s been three no four weeks without a cigarette.”

Francie was toying with her napkin, “listen I want to come back to the house. Can I do that?”

“Yeah, yeah of course you can.” Jeremy said hastily then he remembered that she had taken her things and he had binned up items as well.” 

Quick to jump onto the train of thought of her spouse, “Look I know things are different but I want to come back to Chipping Norton. See if we can sort this out.”

Jeremy was thrilled yet sad, “We’re at Dunsfold…” He let the rest of his sentence hang.

Taking a sip of water Francie put her napkin down, “Yes I know you’re schedule, I was your agent long before we married and I know you are in the flat. I know the children are damn near grown up and out and about, by the way my folks on the Isle of Man say they getting on well. I thought if I were back at the house it would help.”

Jeremy nodded fiercely he was so desperate for a perceived normality that he would agree to whatever she wanted, ‘Haven’t changed the locks.”

At this they laughed. Jeremy was feeling better than he had done. When he tried quitting smoking last he had relied on brainwashing himself. He had told anyone who listen that he was quitting smoking. He had replaced the nicotine high with the high of praise from people. This time was different, so far only James and a handful of the crew knew he was trying to kick the habit. He wasn’t boasting about how much money he was saving or how many days, hours or minutes had passed. While he was tired due to sleep interruptions he felt wired. According to his stop smoking leaflets he needed to find something else to occupy the time that he would have normally occupied smoking, which in his case was quite a lot. He wondered about a hobby, which had him think of James. Perhaps the man had a spare airfix set?

_He found himself and Francie on the track again. The radio was on playing some love song. Francie was smiling at him as he turned the wheel. Once again the flowers sprung up from the track and Francie took pleasure in aiming for them. Jeremy sighed but with Francie smiling at him he pushed his feelings of annoyance aside. When all the flowers had gone toys sprung up and Francie once again took joy in demolishing them. The annoyance Jeremy felt morphed into a tad of disgust. He tried focusing on Francie’s smile but the disgust was making him sick._

He woke up an felt unease. Rolling his shoulder he scratched at the patch briefly before snatching his hand away. In the morning he would be stepping down to a lower nicotine level from what he had read the dreams should be less intense. Nevertheless he got out of bed and went to his sofa. It was nearing 3 in the morning and Jeremy flipped through his multitude of channels. He stopped when he found a rerun of Oz and James’s Big Wine Adventure. He had no clue as to why he was watching his colleague on television when he was going to be working with him in a few hours but he settled down to watch Oz and James argue. The dialogue over grapes had his eyelids closing and for first time since James’ bed he slept without dreams.

Two weeks later at Dunsfold Jeremy handed James the new box of patches. James turned the box over in his hands, “Congratulations, Jez! Six weeks without ciggy’s.”

Jeremy allowed himself some sense of satisfaction and let it grow when he saw that James was smiling in genuine pride he. “I’ll buy the drinks at the pub tonight.” James proclaimed.

At this Jeremy felt a surge of happiness, it had been a long time since he had been out. He clapped a hand on James’ shoulder in merriment. 

The three of them set off after a day at the track. James made sure that Jeremy’s hand was never empty. Richard had quit smoking as well; occasionally James caught him with a cigarette but said nothing. During the night James felt the call of his hard pack but ignored it, he wouldn’t duck out to smoke knowing Jeremy couldn’t.

That night they all got drunk, luckily they were in walking distance of James’ house. James fumbled with his keys, which Richard found exceedingly funny. James barked, “If you don’t shut up you’ll be on the sofa.”

James finally opened his door but he dropped his keys in the process. Richard laughed and raced through the open door. James shook his head, he knew the youngest of them had already ascended the stairs and claimed the guest room. James and Jeremy trudged through the front door with Dodger greeting them enthusiastically. Jeremy sat on the couch and lavished attention on Dodger. A whirring was heard from the kitchen and Dodger set off. No doubt it was dinner time.

As Dodger ate Jeremy contemplated a night on the sofa. He was two meters tall and James’ sofa was not. He thought briefly of tossing Hammond out of the guest bed but it was too much work to ascend the stairs and drag the man down. He simply turned on his side and let the alcohol induced slumber take him.

James saw that Jeremy had fallen asleep and removed a blanket from a cupboard and cover the man up. He too heard the sirens’ call of sleep and went upstairs. 

Shouting woke Richard and James. The younger man immediately went to the bathroom, the last time everyone had passed out from alcohol Richard had accidently locked himself in the bathroom. Now that was the first place he checked. James descended the stairs, he knew who and why there was screaming. He woke Jeremy as gently as he could. The tall man was struggling to get free of the blanket and James helped. Richard was shirtless in his jeans absently rubbing at his hair. He saw that Jeremy seemed to be responding to James so he went to the kitchen. To fetch a glass of water, as Jeremy drank it Richard saw that his hands were shaking. James spoke softly, “its all right Richard go back to bed.”

Richard went back upstairs. Jeremy exhaled, “I thought with the lower dose this wouldn’t happen.”

James shrugged, “well you may still have a large amount of nicotine in your system from the higher dose patch and it will taper off now that you are on the lower dose.” 

”Makes sense” Jeremy whispered

”What was it about, if you want to tell me.”

”Francie and me were driving on the track and she kept running over flowers and then toys. I’m shouting at her to stop but she just keeps going and there is this song on the radio getting louder and louder. I just start shouting louder but she just keeps going!”

”Well you just met with Francie so it makes sense she is on your mind. Have you been thinking about toys?” James murmured.

Jeremy scoffed, “Well I wanted to know if you had any spare airfixes so I could occupy my time without fags.”

”This’ll pass, come on I know how to fix this.” James said motioning upstairs.

Jeremy was reluctant to share James bed out of pride but he was so tired and wanted sleep more. He followed James upstairs and got into his bed not caring that Richard was next door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When my brother quite smoking he used the patch and had dream of his truck rolling down a hill.


	3. Destruction

In the morning James slithered out of bed and went downstairs to find Richard idling in the kitchen. Dodger whined a little and James let him out into the back garden.

James took note that Richard was fiddling with mugs and boxes of tea but still he waited. He mentally began counting and was surprised when he reached twenty-seven.

“I take it that has happened before?” asked Richard

James reached above him to pull down the bigger teapot. “Jeremy gave up caffeine after you went to Russia I don’t know if you know that. I know you know he’s given up smoking. The patch is giving him vivid dreams, he’s worried about what he’ll do when he’s asleep. If someone is with him he seems to be all right."

Richard chose his words and tone very carefully, “So he’s ok if he shares a bed?”

“Precisely” James said. 

Richard pondered James’ information, “Do you know if Francie can help?”

James froze and instantly Richard knew something was up. Jeremy hadn’t told him that he should keep the Francie situation in confidence so he told Richard what he knew. 

They were filming on location Jeremy and Richard were testing cars while James was in France doing a piece on the new Peugeot. The day had been fun, winding round narrow country lanes. The crew would be staying in a local bed and breakfast since there was no large-scale hotel. Most of the rooms were small, merely a twin bed and nightstand. Jeremy and Richard had landed the suite it was slightly bigger with a King-sized bed. Richard had remarked, “I don’t care if we look gay I just want to go to sleep.” Jeremy had heartily agreed, he had found in past few days that he had been fearing sleep due to the dreams. The prospect of sharing a bed had his palms itching to have a dreamless sleep.

They got ready for bed and climbed in soon they both drifted off.

Richard awoke to Jeremy muttering, “Stop Francie!”

Panic flared in Richard he had never seen anything like this, Jeremy’s head was thrashing as he asked Francie over and over to Stop whatever she was doing. Richard was puzzled hadn’t James said that he had no dreams when sharing a bed?

Steeling his nerves Richard reached out and woke Jeremy. The man’s eyes snapped open and Richard watched as the terror slowly left his eyes. The two didn’t speak, Richard just left Jeremy to collect himself. 

Not knowing what else to do Richard flipped on the small television that the suite had. An old “James May Toy Stories” was on and Richard just left it on. He told Jeremy that he would go downstairs to make tea. When Richard returned with two steaming mugs he found Jeremy soundly asleep. James was still on the telly and Richard’s mind quickly put things together. Jeremy needed _James_ to have a dreamless sleep.

Days later Richard presented Jeremy with a gift. 

“I already have an iPod” Jeremy said in confusion

Richard pointed to a quiet corner and explained, “These are loaded with James’ audio books, so it’s his voice. I think it’s James that keeps you from having dreams. You fell asleep to “Toy Stories” and you mentioned that when you two sleep you don’t have these dreams. Give it a try.”

Jeremy ran a hand through his hair, Richard was right, he remembered falling asleep to James’ wine program. He reached for Richard’s offering of the small silver square iPod shuffle.

That night Jeremy got ready for bed he felt a little silly but he put in the small headphones and switched on the player. James’ voice came through the player starting with the collection of his Daily Telegraph columns. After a few sentences he found himself drifting off to sleep.

Over the next few weeks Jeremy looked better and better, his dark circles had disappeared and he was nearing the end of his nicotine patches. He had also been speaking with Francie. At night they would talk on the telephone and on Friday they would be meeting again. 

One night on a whim Jeremy decided not to use his audio sleep aid. He got into bed and waited for sleep

_The Top Gear test track. Francie and him in the car. The radio blasting the same song and once again flowers sprang from the tarmac. After the flowers, toys and this time after the toys motorbikes appears. Jeremy was screaming at Francie to stop but she wouldn’t. So he tried telling her to slow down-she didn’t. When the last motorbike was demolished he was surprised to see grand pianos. Before she could destroy the first one he awoke. ___

Jeremy grabbed the bottle of water on his nightstand and emptied it in three long swallows. Pianos, bikes, toys and flowers in his dreams Francie was destroying all the things he associated with James.


	4. Unfolding

He didn’t try to get back to sleep instead he googled dreams and found out that no one really knew what the hell dreams were. He mentally went over what he knew. James had watched over him when he gave up caffeine and so far he was the only one that knew about he troubles with Francie. Nicotine patches carried the side-effect of vivid dreams. He still had two weeks on this lower dose patch before he could be free of nicotine. He resigned to stick it out and use the iPod. The one good thing was even though it was the early hours of Friday it was still Friday and he would be meeting with Francie.

Friday’s had unofficially become Voiceover day. The standing protocol was that when your lines were recorded adequately you could go home. Jeremy had prepared himself, he wanted to be in and out. Instead of a restaurant Francie had suggested they have dinner at the Chipping Norton Estate.

After two hours Jeremy had recorded all his work and set of for the Costwolds. As his Mercedes compacted the gravel he felt a twinge of nostalgia. He hadn’t been back to this estate since Francie left announcing that needed time away to think about things. She had gotten herself a flat and furnished it with items from the estate. With items missing here and there the large house reminded Jeremy of carrion. Because of this he had no problem moving into the flat he kept in London for when he was filming.

It was an odd thing to use his key and step inside what had once been a family home. His mind quickly rallied, _It can be a family home again._ The table was set and he approached it. Francie appeared from the kitchen.

“Sit down, I’ll dish up in a minute.” She told him.

Jeremy sat and smiled when he saw that she had made a roast—his favourite. The sat and ate during a pause Francie put down her napkin, “So I wanted to talk with you. I think there should be some changes.”

Jeremy was tinged with panic, “Such as?”

“Well I think it was dramatic of me to skive off and that’s one of the reasons I’ve come back to the house. We’ve changed you and I over the years and that’s bound to happen. I think that we should spend time together to see if those changes are something we can live with.”

Jeremy took a sip of wine, “So we start over?”

“I don’t think that is possible, I think we just see if we can stand one another’s company without fighting.” She said with a smile.

The dream quickly flashed into his mind but he dismissed it. Perhaps he could get things back to normal.

James was once again walking Dodger, the frequent outing with his canine had aided him in his weight loss. While nothing was really going to reduce all of his middle-aged spread he was a good deal lighter than he had been. He had shorn his locks and embraced his grey hair and he had done it not for the BBC or his fans but for himself. He truly hoped that Jeremy would receive whatever it was he was craving by his changes. 

He turned the corner heading for home when the sounds of merriment spilled out of his Local. He tugged gently on Dodgers leash and the two went into the Pub. The owner tolerated pets if they were well behaved and Dodger knew if he wanted a good portion of bangers to stay off the furniture.

Friday night Jeremy slept in the guest bedroom at Chipping Norton as he had done when Francie had begun with “I need space.” That encounter was a non-stop loop in his mind. His _wife_ was two doors down and he couldn’t be with her. As he unpacked his bag the silver iPod fell out and Jeremy sighed. Until he could get off nicotine it might be better that he was in a separate room. He picked up the audio device, thumbed the switch and let James’ voice led him to sleep. 

Saturday morning Jeremy noticed that he and Francie acted like roommates. They didn’t really speak, so deciding to jump in Jeremy uttered, “Has your car been serviced?”

Francie blew a tiny breath of annoyance through her nose. “Yes, the car is fine…trust you to bring up cars!”

Jeremy bristled at her tone, “Well cars have been a part of my life for damn near thirty years, never bothered you before.”

Francie scowled at him briefly before morphing her face into a mask of serenity, “Look, lets talk about something else. I have an appraiser coming by today.”

Puzzled Jeremy asked, “What needs to be assessed?”

Francie opened a cupboard and spoke as she pulled down bread, she placed pieces in the toaster and spoke rapidly, ”The Steinway, it never gets played and I think it was time that we actually evaluated our needs.” 

Jeremy swallowed, buying the Steinway had been Francie’s idea. She had wanted the children to take lessons but they weren’t interested. When Jeremy saw that his children had no inclination towards tickling the ivories he had asked them what they wanted and they had chosen sports instead. Nevertheless, the Steinway Model B Music Room Piano had laid in repose in the music room with Jeremy’s drum kit beside it. He thought of his dream of how the grand piano was going to be the last thing she smashed. Feeling queasy he sat down.

Seeing that her spouse was troubled she abandoned her toast and moved beside him, “Don’t worry I’m not getting rid of your drums. We talked ages ago about selling the piano but we never put a plan into place. I finally took the bull by the horns so to speak.”

Jeremy huffed out a breath, “Yes, I remember now it was after Katya wanted dance lessons. What time will the appraiser be here?”

”Eleven” Francie said as she went to retrieve her toast.

Jeremy loitered inside the music room, the appraiser didn’t seem to mind. Jeremy was actually struck by the similarity the piano held to a car. She lifted the bonnet so to speak, depressed the pedals and even stroked the frame. When she was done she grabbed her attaché case, “This piano retail when it was new was around twenty thousand pounds. It’s still in wonderful condition, however, with the economy being what it is I think ten thousand would be a good conservative estimate.” 

Jeremy nodded and the appraiser reached into her attaché case and withdrew a business card, “Feel free to phone if you like this in auction or if you have a buyer in mind we can help with the moving.”

With that the appraiser swept out the music room and Jeremy found himself sitting at the piano. He could peck out a few tunes but he didn’t have the skill or talent James had. _James_ why was he thinking of him now when he was supposed to be focusing on Francie? 

He still felt queasy from this mornings interaction and decided to eat something. In the kitchen he rummaged through cupboards and found nothing he really fancied. He did find box after box of caffeinated teas and coffees. He nearly slammed the cupboards shut in disgust. Not knowing where Francie was in the house had him texting her **Going to the shop for some new tea. Text me if you want me to pick you up something.** He hit send and gathered up his keys.


	5. Battle lines

There was no text message asking for other items so Jeremy went down every aisle and picked items that he wanted. When he came back to the house he found the architectural plans for the estate spread out on a small table. He was marveling over the blueprints when Francie came in. She seemed startled by his presence, she quickly grabbed the blueprints and rolled them back up.

”Another assessment?” Jeremy asked genuinely curious.

”Mold inspector” Francie delivered.

Normally Jeremy would plough head on into a discussion of why it was needed. However, with Francie attacking him on nearly everything he kept his mouth shut. When they had purchased the home they had done extensive inspections and renovations. While England wasn’t the driest place imaginable he had the suspicion that the home harbored no mold. Absently he scratched his shoulder blade, specifically the left one where his patch was applied. The coming week would see the end to the nicotine aid. He wondered if his dreams would stop being vivid. The only way to know would be to stop using the iPod. With the work schedule being intensive he decided not to skip the use of the device, he needed to sleep.

The rest of the weekend with Francie passed in the same fashion, interactions which bordered on skirmishes passed between the two. Come Sunday night Jeremy was ecstatic about returning to London. Monday morning he had woken early not due to dreams but because he had almost a two hour journey. He consulted his iPhone and discovered that today would be day one without the patch.

That morning Richard casually brought up what he had done over the weekend in attempt to draw Jeremy out. Needing a sounding board and the fact that James hadn’t come in yet had Jeremy pouring out what had gone on in the past six months. Richard had gotten a rough sketch from James and now Jeremy was fleshing it out. Jeremy confided in Richard things he wouldn’t have in James since he and Richard shared the bond of marriage.

“It’s as if things haven’t changed at all in fact it seems worse!” Lamented Jeremy.

“Arguments?” Richard asked.

Jeremy sighed, “Picking… like picking at wound that should be left alone to heal.” Jeremy told Richard of the piano and how things needed to be assessed.. 

Richard adjusted his wedding ring and asked, “Isn’t this what you wanted? To get back with Francie?”

Jeremy waved his hand, “I thought if we were back together then things would be normal again. To be honest I don’t know who else would put up with me and while I may say Manual labour is my phobia…it’s being alone that terrifies me.”

Richard looked at his hands he was about to ask about James but the man suddenly appeared in the doorway with a bouquet. “sorry I’m late I was buying a present for my sister.”

Richard quickly asked, “it’s not Sarah’s birthday is it?”

James smiled, “no she looked after Dodger for me while I was filming in France.”

Jeremy thought back to when he had asked why James hadn’t gotten a dog he had replied “Sarah is allergic to them.” During all this mess he hadn’t inquired about James and his life, he felt terrible. He pointed to the bouquet, “Those are lovely, I think Sarah will love them.”

James blushed, “Actually these are for you to celebrate your first day off the patch. I bought Sarah some albums she wanted.”

Jeremy was deeply touched by his friends gesture and it intensified his own feelings about being inattentive to the man. “How about I buy drinks tonight?” 

The enthusiastic grins from both was the response.

That night in the Pub Jeremy reflected on his two co-presenter turned best friends. James and Richard were going through a motorcycle magazine. Pointing at specific bikes and talking about different bikes that they would like to obtain. During this exchange Jeremy took the time to order another round. When the barmaid presented the tray of lagers James gave a smile and nod to Jeremy. This small act of kindness had him once again thinking of his dreams. Instead of analyzing the images he thought of Francie and James. He spent time with both of them each of them claiming space in his life. In his dreams he was angry at Francie for destroying those things which essentially were James. He looked to the bar, the bouquet James had given him was sitting in a pint of water he had purchased from the pub since he didn’t have a vase.

When James went to the lavatory Richard sauntered up to the bar. “Your face looks a long as your shoe!”

Jeremy plastered a cheesy grin on his face before letting it fall, “Just thinking.” Suddenly he remembered that Richard had purchased a new home in Wales and was curious about something, “Hey when you bought your new house did you have a mold inspection?”

Richard nodded slightly while drinking his beer before speaking, “Yeah you need to have a mold inspection when you’re buying or selling a house.”

Jeremy felt as if a bucket of ice water had been dumped on him, that is what Francie was doing she wanted to sell the house. The appraisal for the piano the unearthing of the blueprints…she didn’t want to reconcile to save the marriage she wanted to reconcile for a favourable split.

This epiphany and the large amount of alcohol sitting in his system had him feeling sick. He excused himself and strode towards the lavatory.

James was washing his hands when an ashen Jeremy burst through the door and quickly claimed the cubicle he had just occupied. The tall man had no time to engage the lock before he fell to his knees and vomited. James had seen Jeremy sick from drink before but this was different.

The toilet flushed and James heard Jeremy mutter, “Stupid, stupid, stupid.”

”What is it Jez?” asked James softly.

”Me, I’m stupid. I just sussed it all out.”

James leaned against the counter, “I’m afraid I’m a bit pissed from all the beer so I don’t follow.”

Jeremy got up and James moved away from the sink so Jeremy could wash out his mouth. When he was done he looked at James in the mirror and spoke, “I’m pretty sure that my marriage is over.”

James moved to the door, ”that is what has you upset I take it?” 

“Actually no, what has me upset was that I didn’t see it until right now…plus _I_ changed for her. To show her that I could be different and it didn’t matter, it never mattered. I can’t be what she wants!” Jeremy bellowed.

James had enough booze to be brave, “You shouldn’t have to change not unless you want to.”

Jeremy had heard all these platitudes before and he hated them. He had personally bought framed posters with motivational sayings emblazoned on them and shot them at a shooting range. Things like: _Shoot for the moon! Even if you miss you’ll land among the stars!_ and _Life is a journey not a destination._ His fist collided with the counter top, “Look, I don’t want to hear that right now.”

James nodded solemnly, “All right when you want to talk I’ll listen.”


	6. Decree Absolute

After the night in the Pub Jeremy called in a personal day and told Francie to meet him at Chipping Norton. The tone in her voice carried a tinge of apprehension but Jeremy didn’t care.

At the house he found that Francie had already arrived and had made tea. He helped himself and sat down at the small kitchen table. After a sip he began, “I want to know your intentions, all of them.”

“I don’t know what you mean” She stated but Jeremy knew she was lying.

“Getting rid of the piano was an idea I didn’t like but I could see its merit. However, you don’t suddenly hire a mold inspector when there have been no problems unless you want to sell a home. Now if we were working on our marriage it seems that we should keep our home.” After speaking he took another sip of tea.

Francie narrowed her eyes, “I decided a long time ago that I want a divorce and I want it to be amicable I thought this would be the best way. We will have to divide assets so I thought we would start with something small before I brought up wanting to sell the house.”

”So you never wanted to reconcile?” Jeremy demanded.

Francie rolled her eyes, “I want us to be on good terms”

“Why didn’t you just tell me the truth? You left and then dangled the premise that we might be able to come back to one another.”

At this Francie snorted, “I’ve been unhappy for so long and you never noticed. I’ve paid my dues the children are nearly grown. I’m tired of sacrificing and apologizing for the things that you do. I have the right to be happy.” Reaching into her bag she removed a stack of papers. “I was going to have these served to you on Friday but since you’re here.” She placed the stack in front of him, a quick glance revealed that they were divorce papers.

Jeremy mumbled, “I want a cigarette.”

”knew you couldn’t quit” Francie murmured.

At this Jeremy bristled, “I said I wanted one not that I was going to have one. In case you haven’t noticed I’ve changed!”

Francie grabbed her bag, “Go show your changes to someone else.”

Jeremy drove back to London in a daze. In his flat he went through the papers. The solicitor had detailed everything from the division of property to child custody. He dug out his PDA and rang his own solicitor who dispatched a courier to collect the papers. 

Even though he had called in a personal day he found himself working from home. He made a conference call to Andy who seemed confused as to why Clarkson was asking for details from Pagani but fulfilled the request.

Days passed and Jeremy returned to work he steadfastly avoided James and Richard. Only speaking to them when necessary. The other two decided to give him some space. His solicitor had gone through the divorce paperwork and found no loopholes or anything untoward that would hurt Jeremy. It was a straightforward disbandment of marriage under the grounds of “Unreasonable Behaviour”. He signed the documents and a week later he took another personal day to appear in court. That night as he fell into bed he cried and soon fell asleep.

_The test track, the radio and this time at the wheel Jeremy himself. But it couldn’t be for he was in the passenger seat. He looked at his doppelganger as the corners blurred by. The doppelganger-Jeremy drove the car expertly Jeremy noticed with a bit of contempt. Turning his focus out towards the windscreen he saw nothing, just the track and this frightened him more than when Francie ran over things._

After that things moved swiftly, he signed an affidavit then the court pronounced the Decree Nisi. Jeremy threw himself into his work and slowly began talking with the others. He didn’t tell them what was going on but he did start attending functions again. Every night he would have the same dream of him and his doppelganger on the track. While it still gave him a sense of unease upon waking he found that dream was becoming a new constant in his life and in some sick way he found it comforting. Weeks passed with the court appearnce and the nastiness with Franice becoming a distant memory until the post slot clanged shut. There were a mess of envelopes on the floor and he gathered them up. One large brown envelope caught his eye and he opened it, out slithered the Decree Absolute. This was the official paperwork signaling that he was no longer married.

It was not yet noon but Jeremy decided he wanted a drink. He pocketed his keys and wallet and head out. Three o’clock saw James’ mobile ring. He didn’t recognize the number but answered it anyway. “Hello?” 

_Yes, my name is Martin Snell and I own The Rose and Crown. This is going to sound odd but I have a very drunk Jeremy Clarkson. He gave me his keys but he refuses to take a taxi. I’ve offered to drive him home but he tells me he doesn’t know where that is. I asked if I could phone someone and he gave me his phone, and asked for James. This number is the only one listed as James._

“I’m coming.” James delivered before pocketing his phone and gathering his jacket.

James found the Rose and Crown and Jeremy extremely drunk just as Martin had said. Jeremy was secured in May’s Panda and as a precaution James had asked for unused bin bag in case Jeremy was sick. 

Inside the flat James demanded to know what was going on. “What’s this about you not knowing where you live?”

Jeremy deposited himself on the couch and pointed to the table and James moved to see what was on it that had Jeremy so upset. James’ eyes quickly locked onto the bold print of a certain document **In the High Court of Justice Principal Registry of the Family Division. Matrimonial cause proceeding in Principal Registry treated by virtue of section 42 of the Matrimonial and Family Proceedings Act 1984 as pending in a divorce county court** His eyes read no further, he knew what this piece of paper was.

James turned back to see that Jeremy had passed out on the couch. He shrugged off his jacket and placed it on the back of the chair. He would stay and watch over his friend.


	7. Fix

As carefully as he could James tidied up the papers scattered on the desk. He tried to put himself in Jeremy’s shoes. People had always surrounded the man and it was rare that he was ever on his own. James quite liked his solitude, he was no hermit by any means but the sheer fact that Jeremy was never alone resounded with him. 

A shuffling garnered his attention and he turned towards the front room, Jeremy had turned over in his sleep.

Jeremy felt as his he had fallen asleep on a ferry. He was uncomfortable and the environment seemed to have an odd tilt to it. His head pounded and his stomach rolled with the waves that he swore he could feel. Managing to swing his legs over to the floor he took a moment to revel in the fact the floor was not pitching up and down. He knew he had gotten horribly drunk but other than that it was a blur. His tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth and this compelled him to move. Padding gingerly to the kitchen he noticed that the table was neat and orderly and he definitely didn’t remember that. His house had the feel of another presence but Jeremy saw no one. He plugged in his kettle and then heard the telltale flushing and hand washing from the lavatory. _Someone_ was still here.

Jeremy wasn’t surprised to see James but he was curious as to what had transpired. He was still too hung-over to function and he couldn’t seem to activate his kettle. After realizing he hadn’t flipped the wall switch he finally had water on the boil. James was quiet trying to gauge the situation. Jeremy had made it abundantly clear that he didn’t want to talk and James was not going to press him.

Jeremy could feel the tension, usually he would and could ignore it but not today. “This is becoming oddly familiar.”

”How’d you mean?”

“I go and do something and you're here to pick up the pieces.” Jeremy rasped.

James smiled, “I don’t mind.”

Jeremy’s hand curled around the kettle handle gripping fiercely, “I mind.”

”Why?” James asked.

“I shouldn’t have to need you but I do.” Jeremy stated, he had started to shake and ended up pouring boiling water over his hand.

James instantly grabbed the appendage and moved them both the kitchen sink. The tap spewed forth water and James cooled the burn. He commanded Jeremy stay put while he raided the freezer for some ice. Jeremy welcomed the burn; it was something he could feel. These past weeks he had felt flat, he had sadness over his marriage ending but other than that he felt nothing. Perhaps that was what his dream was, he was the doppelganger—looking like himself but not himself.

He turned to see James muttering as he stuffed a plastic bag with ice. _James_ he was always there and he was always a comfort even in an irritating way. He thought about his vices, smoking and caffeine were pleasurable yet also harming. He wondered if James was a vice and quickly dismissed it. James would never harm him.

The house in the Cotswolds was sold and Jeremy moved permanently to London. This new location meant he spent more time with James. Jeremy had gone back to using the silver iPod Richard had given him. He wanted to sleep. The summer passed and filming began again. During a break Richard went to speak with Jeremy. “You look better mate.”

“Finally feel that way.”

Richard had thought of what Jeremy had said about his phobia, “Bachelor life ok?”

Jeremy shrugged, “Not bad, no one yells at me for putting my feet up on furniture.” 

Richard swallowed, “No, I meant… are you ok. I mean are you ok being by yourself?”

Jeremy nodded with Richard satisfied he went off.

The conversation with Richard had Jeremy thinking. He hadn’t been alone, not really. He and James had been going for dinner and other excursions ever since his divorce decree had come through. This realization scared him for a reason he couldn’t figure out. That night he put the iPod in his kitchen drawer. 

James couldn’t figure out why Jeremy was suddenly being so distant. He had cancelled their trip to the pub and even at work things were frosty.

_The track, no doppelganger this time. He was at the wheel he was in control and he was one mowing down flowers, toys, bikes and pianos._

Richard noticed, how could he not, that Jeremy was having sleeping problems again. He had to tell Jeremy several times that the coffee he was reaching for had caffeine in it. “A little won’t hurt” Jeremy said. Richard seemed to explode and pushed Jeremy out of the door.

”What is going on? You were doing well and now you look like something my dog heaved up in a corner.”

“I’m trying to be on my own. I need to know if I can.”

“Are you dreaming?”

When Jeremy didn’t answer Richard knew the answer was yes. “Did you lose the iPod?”

“No, I put it away. I need to know I can do with without him.” Jeremy lamented.

Richard knew at this point the conversation wouldn’t go any further. It was also plain to him that Jeremy was in love with his friend. Usually he hated being in the middle of one of their spats but today he determined and after all he had been through the universe owed him one.

_Two Weeks Later_

Jeremy was preparing for the evening, he had been up today with the aid of sugar. The sweets he had bought had given him the energy to get through the day. A knock at his door had him puzzled. He opened it to see James on his doorstep with a suitcase.

“Going somewhere?” Jeremy asked

”Arrived actually” James delivered as he crossed the threshold and put his suitcase near the door.

Jeremy was more than puzzled and even more than that he was tired. “What is going on?”

James smiled a little sadly, “I’m here to fix you.”

Rage ignited in Jeremy, “I don’t need you!”

Reaching into his pocket James withdrew a silver square, Jeremy saw the metal glinting and turned his head towards the kitchen. James simply began talking, “Hammond bought this weeks ago and gave it to me. I know about the other one. I know why you need it and I know what really frightens you.”

Jeremy was petrified not since his mother had caught him smoking at 13 had he felt as he could mimic a statue. James moved closer and since Jeremy was staring down at his feet he could only see the top of James’ hair but he could hear him, “Is it so bad a thing as to need me?”

Jeremy simply shook his head.

“Is it such an offense to love me?” 

Again Jeremy shook his head in the negative. Emboldened James moved forward and pushed Jeremy’s head up so he could look at him. He leaned in and kissed him after the quick meeting of lips James spoke, “Then let me fix you.”

_The track, the hammerhead, the turns were effortless. Jeremy drove, the strains of a piano were heard from the stereo. He didn't need to look beside him to know that James was in the passenger seat._


End file.
